Harried HalfAssed Harem Parody!
by Star Otaku
Summary: Excel, Hyatt, ACROSS and authoress do the horrid bastardization of all those harem animes out there.


The scene fades in with a flourish of grand instrumental music that is familiar with the introduction of a great leader. The camera pans from the beautiful velvet red carpet lining the stairs leading up to a dais. Silk cushions are scattered about the stairs, with sheer diaphanous curtains all around. The silhouette of a throne and several shapely females sitting upon more cushions.

Slowly pull back the curtains, timed well with the grand climax of the music, and the bountiful peal of...

Female laughter?

"Ah-hahaha!"

Reveal the grandoise and orange cloth cushioned throne of Lord Il Palazzo, surrounded by the said shapely females, sitting on cushions, and dressed in barely even decent transparent clothing.

The occupant of the throne is...

A kawaii blue-haired shoujo wearing a similar sailor fuku uniform. Blue pleated skirt, blue button up shirt, red skinny tie... And in one hand she held onto a chain, which leashed a mature and comely robotic lass at the foot of the throne, dressed in some metallic swimsuit reminiscent of some epic war among the stars...

Her free hand cutely pushed up the glasses from slipping down her nose bridge, and flipped her blue hair to the side.

The air shimmered as she received her close up, complete with coloured background and glittering bubbles.

Pull back, as she is once again framed in the centre of her glorious court. And then zip to the corner to see some bespectacled, noseless, jowled man gagged and tied up in a corner.

The man struggled and made many muffled protests. Something about an army of lawyers once he sold enough doujinshi.

"Quiet Rikudo! I run the show now!"

Official Disclaimer: She actually does not own Excel Saga. It is the hella funny property of Koshi Rikudo, and currently licensed by ADV Films. (Pick it up on DVD, today!)

To make emphasis on her power, she yanked on the chain, eliciting an almost lewd, yet pleasingly submissive yelp from Ropponmatsu #1 at her feet.

"I, the authoress, Star Otaku, authorize this Excel Saga fanfic to be a harem parody!"

With another bout of her girlish and shrill laughter, she brought out a lunch bag and jumped dramatically into the air.

Slamming the bag into the ground, she pulled it away from the indentation made in the tile and concrete, leaving her mark of approval.

A rectangle enclosing two thirds of a star, letting the point stick out like it were the handle of some bag.

STAR OTAKU

"Cue the opening sequence!"

_[Duh dun dun  
Duh dun dun  
Daaah!!!]_

_Sore wa ai ja nai...  
Ai wa sore ja nai...  
Ai shite 'ru kedo ai sarete wa... inai._

Star: Cut! Cut! On the other hand... let's just skip to the fic? I can't write an opening sequence cause it'll accelerate my carpal tunnel syndrome.

Nabeshin: What a weak show of power, not to mention the kind of character you have.

Star: Silence director, or you join Rikudo!

Once again, opening on the same throne room, with the same grandoise music, it's been vacated of its former occupants. 

Sitting on the throne is a brooding silver haired man, and before him stood his two subordinates. One strawberry blonde/green and one purple/magenta raised their hands in salute. 

"Haaaaail Iiil Palazzoooo!" One loud and overly hyperactive. 

"-zzo." One breathy and weak. 

If you cannot distinguish who these two ACROSS employees are by now, then maybe you should stop reading right now and actually watch the series. 

"Iiiil Palazzo! Il Palazzo! Hail! Hail! Oh the great and wonderful Ilpalazzo of our ideal organization of ACROSS!" 

As per usual, Excel was prancing around Il Palazzo's meeting room, singing her praises, and Hyatt was teetering on the brink of death on her feet. 

"The world is full of hopeless and lost masses. They have no direction, and do nothing productive, even when they've graduated. The people are ignorant and strive towards something that is denied to them, or go for something that they have the vague idea of. They cannot see the the right choice in front of them, or even realize when something perfect is even with them. They take such things of importance and direction for granted. That is like us, our ideal organization of ACROSS. We present a better solution to the people, but yet, they are too stupid to accept us and our goal." 

At the end of his speech, Excel couldn't contain her enthusiasm and began to jump around with her blind ramblings. 

"Yes! Yes, Lord Il Palazzo! The people should bow before ACROSS and all your wonderful glory, even though they actually do not know about us because we're a secret organization working hard to conquer F City... But who cares about that little detail anyway? Hail! Hail! They would make our takeover all the more easier if they just gave up their foolishness! Indeed, it would be for the-" 

"Excel-kun." 

"Hai, Il Palazzo-sama?" 

She stopped and looked at Lord Il Palazzo's hand on that abysmal rope. She then looked under herself. 

"My, that looks deep. GAAAAAAAAH!!!" 

And down she fell until the splash resounding in the throne room signaled Lord Il Palazzo that he could continue. Addressing the square hole in the ground and Hyatt (now a bloody convulsing mess on the floor), he spoke. 

"Your mission today is to find out how to wake the masses from their tedious and dreamless sleep. What can we do to channel their futile actions towards more productive means, such as serving us? That is your mission. And so, you must travel to a place where such an atmosphere is prevalent." 

A hand was raised from the square hole, and Excel clawed her way back up. She held her hand up eagerly for her turn to speak. 

"Oooh... are we going to downtown F City?" 

"No. Someplace even worse." 

A close-up of his brooding, long-haired evil genius visage. 

"The suburbs." 

* * *

Oh, how the spring/summer air was sweet and wonderful in the suburban outskirts of F City, like the highly focused and romanticized view of falling sakura blossoms. The surrounding area was just as portrait perfect, with content one-level house neighbourhoods, bustling open air shops, and the local school chapter filled with promising bright-eyed students. 

It was the Japanese equivalent of a Norman Rockwell painting. Middle Japan.

Excel and Hyatt (in their civilian clothes) were wandering in the very thick of things.

"Yes, yes, Lord Il Palazzo is right, Ha-chan! The area is bustling, but not so crowded. It doesn't have the oppressive hive-like buzz of the city, but it does have a sort of buzz to it. Like the bees out in the country, instead of the bees in the city, ne?"

"Sempai... since when are there bees in the city?"

"It's just an expression that I used to describe the mindless yet charming naivety of this place, Ha-chan!"

"Ooh... And since when were you so well versed in expressing an awareness of your surroundings, sempai?"

The two girls stopped at a crosswalk and thought.

And thought.

And thought.

Then a cool breeze blew by.

And thought.

Then thought just a little more.

She shrugged. "Eh... Some things are better left unanswered, Ha-chan." And with that, she kicked up her heels. "But let's continue forth! For soon even the outer reaches of F City will be absorbed into the rule of Il Palazzo! And this unspoilt beauty shall be taken into his hands, like I, his beloved and most constant and faithful underling, shall be taken into his arms..."

"Ah... sempai, don't you think you should keep quiet about the plans of ACROSS?"

"Eh, Ha-chan, the foolish people must hear of their wonderful fate to become the future subjects of Lord Il Palazzo! And who better to hear it from than from E-chan? It is only my declaration of devotion and constant optimism that we shall succeed."

"Oh. Then instead, shouldn't you watch where you're going?" Hyatt inquired, as she paused at a crosswalk.

Excel continued.

"Why is that, Ha-"

And with that, she was run over by some boy on a scooter.

"Sorry!"

Then run over again as the scooter backed up on her.

"Sumisanen..."

And again as the boy accidentally hit the gas and ran over her again.

"Gomen, I don't mean to do this..."

Another run through as he backed up again.

"Let me just get that..."

And finally, he parked beside her prone body.

"Uuugh..." Excel gurgled and looked up at the driver.

"Oooh..." Hyatt tittered and also looked up from her spot next to Excel.

"Ha-chan, why must you start dying at this moment? It would be better for our chances of success if one of the team if one us survives on a daily basis..."

Looking down on them was a flustered boy. He nervously pushed his glasses back up his nose and took off his helmet, revealing neatly cut brown hair; he resembled some kind of atypical poor student. "Gomen ne... I'm sorry I ran over you two. I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going. Please, let me make it up to by inviting you to stay and eat at my residence."

Excel immediately perked up. "Food you say? Well, I'm sure it'll be some consolation for myself and Ha-chan here!" She picked up her catatonic coworker.

Taking the seat behind this boy, the three of them hauled off.

* * *

The boy watched in amazement at the blonde girl who gorged on the food laid out for her... which was practically almost all that was left in the house. Then he looked over to her friend, slumped over in her seat, clutching onto a glass of tomato juice.

"Uh... uh..." he sputtered, "Uh... gomen, again. I didn't mean for such an accident to happen."

"Na na na... munch munch munch... No problem!" continued Excel between bites.

He shakily continued with some segue for an introduction. "Ah... My name is Naisu Gai, a-and this is my apartment residence, but it's currently being used as an inn... I'm the inn keeper, but, this is something that might be temporary..." A sad glimmer formed in his eyes. "Ie, I don't usually pour my heart out to strangers, but I'm just here until I can finish my schooling. It's really tough though, I mean, I don't really know what I want to be in life, and I'm just holding onto this current job until something makes me move on. Just drifting from one moment to the next... I feel so lost..."

Excel looked up from her meal. "Eh?"

"I said that I feel a little lost... But, yeah, I have my friends to help through." Naisu blushed and gave a short sigh. "Even if they can be a little difficult to live with at times. Eh... but still, one can only see the current hopelessness of the moment instead of their actions that carry them out of such situations... and into the next." He bitterly muttered the last bit under his breath.

Excel slammed down her empty bowl on the table. "Ah! It's just like Il Palazzo-sama has said! The hopeless and naive masses carry on, striving, striving, striving for what they do not know! How foolish you citizens are! Afraid, too timid to conquer! Then accept being the subjects of Lord Il Palazzo who shall give you acceptance and direction through backbreaking labour and servitude! All for the glory of ACROSS! Hail, hail, hail!"

The young man could only blink at the strange saluting girl who just ate him out of this week's groceries, then stared at her long-haired friend, who clapped her hands weakly.

"Ah, ah, sempai..."

"We demand that you let us stay here!"

Naisu blinked again. "Ano... The inn could use some of the business. I don't think that the my friends will be too accommodating... but you're still welcome to stay!"

He was then sent flying by a blurry of fists from nowhere!

"You awful pervert! How dare you go picking up these innocent girls and preying on their need for shelter!" yelled a feminine voice.

The carcass of Naisu crawled back to his seat. "Ugh... otenba Mei... gomen... I was just being trying to be friendly."

Star: Pause! Otenba translates to tomboy.

The perpetrator jumped out of nowhere and started stomping on the boy. "A little too friendly for it to be innocent!"

"Gah! Th-then we can direct them to another h-hotel in the area!"

His beating was getting much worse at the suggestion of that. "You horrid, heartless boy! How can you think of turning away two girls out into the cold?!"

"It's summer-"

"Don't interrupt me! They will stay!"

"Aie! Yes! Yes!" he screamed.

When the blur of kicks and punches stopped, joining them at the table was another girl. Her long black hair was severely tied back, and she wore a clean white gi. A cold steel glint came from her purple eyes.

"Good." She glared down at him and pronounced in a cold alto, "And you will keep your hands off them, you stupid dishonourable creature!" Then stepped away to leave.

Quickly, she whipped back around, but her appearance had drastically changed! Now she wore pink pastel and flowery house clothes with an apron, and her now curly brown hair was tied back in a loose ponytail. Her purple eyes radiated concern and mothering.

"Ano... What happened to you? You look terrible, please, let me clean you up and make you something to eat..." The hard edge in her voice was lost to a soft-spoken and breathy tone.

"I'm fine, koshimoto Mei, don't go through all that trouble for me!"

Star: Another pause! Translation, koshimoto translates into maid, or female servant. *wink*

"But you're bleeding."

"Just a scratch!"

"It's coming out of your mouth and eye!"

"Nothing that a band-aid won't fix."

"Oh, you are too modest, Nai-kun. Let me fill your stomach, you'll feel better..." she trailed off as she left him for the kitchen.

Excel looked at what just happened, not really comprehending what just happened. "Ha-chan, I don't get it."

Recovered, she answered, "It seems she has more than one personality, sempai."

Also recovered, Naisu picked himself off the floor and sat back in his seat. "You're right. That's my childhood friend, Mei Nubaita. We grew up in this inn together since we were babies. But years ago, she started acting so strange; beating me one moment and then tending me with no recollection of what happened the next. Soon, she began to change her appearance, I could only recognize her by her eyes whenever she changed. It's gotten worse since high school; she's developed so many personalities! And Ukare-kun isn't helping things..."

Excel looked over to Hyatt. "Ukare?"

The Puchu Princess shrugged.

"Ah, that's my other friend. We've also known each other since we were children." He laughed a little. "He's also my rival."

A crash came from the kitchen along with loud childish whining.

"Wai! Wai! What happened to all the food?!" Mei stomped back out, this time wearing coveralls. Her blonde hair was gathered under her baseball cap. She pouted cutely.

Another boy casually strode into the room, his spikey and messy blonde hair going along with the brash and nonchalant look on his face. "Maybe you forgot that you ate it all, Bitchy-san."

"Wah! Onii-chan! Ukare-kun is being so mean to me!"

Naisu waved his hand, trying to dismiss his friend's callousness. "He's just teasing lightly, imouto... Think nothing of it!"

Star: Imouto translates to little sister.

She crossed her arms and huffed. "Onii-chan, I don't know why you stick up for that brat. He's mean to you too! Nyah!" She stuck her tongue out and pulled her eyelid down.

"Hmph. Who's being the brat now?"

Excel looked to Hyatt. "Somehow I feel left out..."

Past glazed eyes and bloody lips, Ha-chan sighed. "Hai, hai..."

"Gah! Ha-chan! Now's not the time to die!"

Pulled back into the current situation, Naisu introduced his new guests. "Ah, Mei-chan, Ukare-kun, I want you to meet our new guests. They are... ah... I didn't catch your names."

"I'm Excel Excel and this is my partner Hyatt! I'm full of energy and genki-genki-genki! Ha-chan likes to die a lot! My head is empty but I don't care, I just do what I want! She's not making a good colour, green is unnatural to her skin! Dog is so taaaaastyyyyyy!" she sang.

"La, la, la..." breathily hummed Hyatt.

* * *

In a small apartment, somewhere in F City, a little dog named Menchi stopped her effort of escape to yelp and then fainted.

* * *

The inn residents sweatdropped.

With a zip around, Mei transformed into a schoolgirl sailor fuku and had bluenette pigtails. She ran over to Naisu and looked up with innocent doe eyes.

"S-sempai... I-I-I... forgive me, but... ah... do you think such unstable people should stay?"

"Don't worry joseito! They're... ah... mostly harmless. I was able to run one of them over with my scooter..."

Star: Another pause!

Nabeshin: What's with all the interruptions?! You're disrupting the flow of the story! Let's get this over with. Joseito - schoolgirl. Nanpa - flirt, scam artist. Kisai - genius. There! Now continue the story!

She spun around, again changing her hair into white and short and clothes into a sweater and slacks. She snickered and gave Naisu a slap on the back, sending him stumbling towards the ACROSS girls. "Good thing she didn't sue you, or else you'd be out of money for me to spend."

Excel twitched. "A-another one?"

"Oh, she's the nanpa personality... you better watch her. Might get into your pocket money!" Naisu whispered in her ear.

"That's alright! We don't have any money!" chirped Hyatt.

Naisu quickly facefaulted, and Mei and Ukare laughed.

"You've done it this time, you baka. You jump at the chance to have guests, but you didn't even bother to find out if they had any money!" the boy rival jeered. "Let's go, Bitchy-san."

The imouto bounded behind him as they left. "You're so mean, Ukare-kun! You wanna fight me? Eh? Eh?"

The geek boy blushed. "Ah... sorry about that... Please, get settled in and take advantage of the facilities of the inn. We have a hotspring in the back."

Excel jumped up and down. "You shall be rewarded for your blind service towards the executives of ACROSS! To the hot springs Ha-chan!"

And with that, Excel stomped towards the back of the inn, with Hyatt's limp carcass clutching to her leg.

Hyatt waved weakly after their inn keeper. "Thank you..."

When they were gone, Naisu blushed and sighed. "Ah... it's good to have a couple of new and attractive faces around the inn."

From around a corner, Mei growled.

* * *

Cut to a small office space with four desks pushed together. Three boys, one girl, and two robots were in the enclosed space, grumbling and lamenting their tedious day.

"Argh! Why must Kababu keep us in here?" whined Iwata. "I want to get out! Even staying with my dear Ropponmatsu isn't enough to keep me... I want a change of scenery!"

Watanabe huffed. "We could be outside right now, or given a vacation instead of this busy work! Ah... To spend time with my dear Asayugi..."

"You two are over-reacting. More work means more money for you to spend during your recreation," said Misaki.

"Yeah! Yeah! Onee-chan is so smart!" gushed Ropponmatsu #2.

Misaki got up from her seat and stretched languidly, easing her stiff muscles.

Rising profile, from her feet...

Close up of her behind.

Continue rise...

Close up of her bust.

"Hey! No fanservice!"

Close up of her face.

Ropponmatsu #1 nodded. "I just do my work."

Sumiyoshi: *looks to the camera* "And here ends our obligatory appearance for the episode."

* * *

Cue back to the hotspring, with Excel happily lounging in the hot air, and Hyatt floating face down, puttering along the water.

"Gah! Ha-chan! There's only so many times you can die or even come close to dying before people become immune to such emergencies! Stop crying wolf!"

Hyatt looked up and let the water drain out of her ears. "Hai, sempai... Thank you for being so concerned for me..."

"That's because two of us means better chances of success for ACROSS! And soon we will have this quaint place under our influence, with all the conveniences! How Lord Il Palazzo will be so proud of me! Maybe I can him this place, and how wonderful it is, and it'll become his favourite. So then his favourite place is my favourite place! And how happy he will be!"

Excel began to make little hand puppets.

"'Oh ho ho, Excel-kun, you have done a good job in finding a haven for such a great, though lonely, genius like myself.' 'Oh Il Palazzo-sama...' 'Let me reward you Excel-kun... let me have your body...' 'Il Palazzo-sama...' 'Excel-kun...' 'I-I'm so shy... please be gentle...'"

As Excel was having her hands make out, hiding behind the bushes near the spring was Mei. Her hair was now a bright pink and wildly spiked. She fiddled with the remote control in her hands.

"Those girls are a threat to take away my Naisu, or my Ukare... Either way, the potential competition must be disposed of. Good thing the boys aren't too attached to them."

She tapped a few buttons on the remote console, and soon the water in the hotspring bubbled ominously...

Some monstrosity lay beneath the water, activated with its intent to kill. Its eyes glowed red as the power came on, and it slithered like a leviathan towards the unwary and nubile prey.

"'Wah! Wah! Il Palazzo-sama! Il Palazzo-sama!' 'Excel-kun! Excel-kun!' 'This very moment makes my heart go doki-doki and all my vital organs pump blood to the most forbidden and sensitive parts of my anatomy! Oh Il-' GAAAH!"

Excel screamed as she felt something digging into her skin.

"Wah! Wah! Something's got my arm! I'm bleeding, bleeding! Ha-chan! Call for help!"

Hyatt puttered, again face-down, back and forth in the water on the air she was quickly losing. Excel continued to thrash about.

"Gah! Ah! It's a mechanical monster! It's going to kill me! I'm wrestling with it, I'm wrestling with it! Wah! Wah!"

While the inane carnage goes on outside, let us avert out gaze to the innocuous looking entryway/foyer/laundry room to the hotspring. Oh look, Naisu conveniently is passing by with a basket full of towels and dirty clothes.

"Hmm... hmm... Colours and whites are separate..."

He turned his head and saw Excel's struggle and Hyatt drowning.

"Hmm... hmm... Fold neatly while they're still fresh from the dryer..."

After doing a double take, he ran out to the hotspring and dragged out Hyatt first, laying her on dry land and letting her fountain spit out all the water from her lungs.

Excel jumped up on the burnt out, twisted, short-circuited hunk of junk she reduced the robotic terror to.

"Hah! I beat it!"

"Yay, sempai..."

"What was that?! It nearly killed me! I could have died, and then the Great Will would have revived me and reset the scene but she's not here! She hasn't shown up yet, and she hasn't been very reliable lately, so we're pretty much on our own when it comes to the whole putting ourselves in mortal danger that could kill us, but we usually escape by our unnatural cartoonish resiliency or some plot contrivance where we're rescued at the last moment, but our pain is further prolonged for comic effect."

"Um... I think someone was trying to kill you with a mecha crocodile..."

"Who... who would do such a thing?" gasped Hyatt.

"Well, there are only three people here. But I have a pretty good idea that it would be."

"Telling us who would help," muttered Excel.

The stopped when Mei's tomboyish, manhating personality hopped up from the bushes and pointed and accusatory finger at him.

"Look at him! Look at him indecently ogling and groping those helpless girls!"

"Ah... but he's not..." started Excel.

"Don't make excuses for him!" Mei jumped forward with a roundhouse kick, sending Naisu crashing back into the laundry room.

"Hah... but he's not..." joined Hyatt.

Mei continued to pummel him. "He's assaulting them! He is! The sexual fiend!"

Excel blinked. "He was only looking at us."

Smack! Punch! Kick!

"Pervert! Shameless groper!"

"Ara, ara... I think he's broken something..."

"Gah! He's not moving! Stop! Stop!"

Dusting her hands, Mei stopped and turned up her nose. "Hmph." And walked away.

The ACROSS girls grabbed new towels and rushed to the fallen inn keeper's side.

"Oh my... it seems that she doesn't like you that much..." started Hyatt.

Excel looked at his now uninjured body. "And you recovered quite quickly. Like me!"

"Ah... Do you put up with a lot of this abuse every day?"

"Hai. But she does it because she cares."

"She shows you intolerable abuse that would be considered inhumane and outlawed in many free countries! What you do to deserve this is nothing! It's unwarranted and unprovoked where as my idiocy and suspect mental retardation bring about the pulling of the rope and 'Ah! Ah! I'm falling! I'm falling nooooow!' Her obvious violence means that she hates you! All personalities of her hate you!" Excel ranted with much bodily movement and limb flailing.

"Or... or, repress their feelings..."

Naisu Gai looked down, meekly, dramatically. A blush spread across his cheeks and a pensive glimmer behind his glasses. "The one who hates me the most... the one who denies her feelings for me most strongly... the girl who is the worst to me... she is the one who loves me the most."

Excel sweatdropped. "That means the same person loves you."

* * *

Fully dressed and further exploring the grounds were Excel and Hyatt. To their surprise, they found themselves walking the grounds along the woods behind the inn.

"Ah! Ha-chan this small town is so convenient! It has an inn, educational facilities, hotspring, local shrine, and woods, open rural country... everything! Oh, how it will be even sweeter when we bring this place to ACROSS!!!"

"Yay... yay... sempai..."

The two turned their heads at the sound of a ruckus coming from a clearing within. They saw Ukare with a kendo sword, looking quite brash and cocky. Mei stood at the other end of the clearing, in her school girl form.

"Oy! Oy! Bitchy-san! See if you can try this, huh?"

She sniffled. "Stop calling me that! I don't want to try kendo with you! You're too rough!"

He laughed. "Stop lying! I've seen you do this before! Hm? Any of your beatings on Naisu serve as a reminder?"

"Waaah! I wouldn't hurt sempai! Stop being so mean, Otoko-sempai!"

Taking a stance, he poised the wooden sword at the girl and charged.

"Yaaaaah!"

"Aaaaiiiiieeeee!"

Excel and Hyatt watched, ready to sweatdrop.

"Ha-chan, this looks like some tired and overdone cliché where the brash boy picking on the shy girl is covering up for his feelings of liking her..."

Then they turned their heads to see the tomboy persona sending Ukare flying.

"Hai, hai, sempai... Or the girl who fights back and constantly bickers with the stubborn boy is only trying to stand up to his level and make up for all the sexual tension between them..."

They turned their heads again to see Ukare running from Mei's impish nanpa personality, who was comically thwapping him with a rice paper fan.

"Ah! Get off me you crazy onna!"

She snickered. "Hitting on poor defenseless girls, ne? I thought a pretty boy like you would like girls throwing themselves on you!"

"Ah... ah... and, oh yes, or there's also the type that shamelessly flirts and throws herself at the boy because she only wants attention and have things done her way... either it's manipulation or just annoying outlandishness..."

Excel turned to Hyatt.

"Ha-chan, it seems rather cheap that we're obviously narrating one archetype after another through these short flashes of personality, ne?"

"Hai, sempai... but maybe the creator is pressed for time..."

"Or running out of ideas on the many ways that she can go about beating this dead horse."

"Hai... things do seem to be quite, ah, rushed." Ha-chan paused for a moment. "Hmm... it seems that the scene will end soon, sempai."

And up in the trees, a Puchu watched the most comical fight between Ukare and Mei.

"Puchu! Puuu-chu, puchuuuu."

"Ha! Bitchy-san! I've got my second wind! Stop playing hard to get and come here... Gah! Oi! Oi! Put down that rocket launcher! NOOOO!!!"

With the offscreen protest and the following flash and explosion, Ukare's kendo shot up like a missile and beaned the cute little alien, sending it falling to the ground with a comical splat.

**"Ugh... The pain!"** croaked the Puchu.

* * *

The childish Mei skipped along, singing a triumphant ditty.

"Ukare-kun got his just desserts! Cause he was so mean to nii-chan! One's a wuss, but he's so tough, one's so brash and gets beat up! La, la, la..."

Carrying Ukare's beaten body gurney style back to the inn were our ACROSS girls.

"Naisu-san! Your friend's been injured! Mei beat him up pretty good!" hollered Excel.

Naisu stuck his head out the door. Another head peeked out, with a very familiar and badass afro attached to it.

"Uncle Nabeshin, I'm sorry that this had to happen during your visit!"

"Eh, worse things have happened."

He ran to his fallen friend.

"Oh, Ukare-kun! Are you alright? Why? Why must so much happen at once?!" he dramatically ranted. "So many feelings have been kept within me! And now, all this trouble with the inn is happening! Gomen! Gomen to you all!"

"A bit too much on the emoting..." muttered Nabeshin.

Ukare suddenly got up, good as new. "I got better. It was just a few scratches, you baka."

The doting persona smiled. "Oh, Naisu-kun, you're so sensitive..."

"Please quit disrupting the mood of the scene. *ahem* Nephew, you must be brave! You shouldn't worry and fret, but rather know what goals are important to you. Obviously, you have issues on love and happiness... but you must pursue!"

"But... but uncle! I'm scared!"

Watanabe placed an authoritative hand on the boy's shoulder. "Naisu, you mustn't be afraid of rejection. You may be accepted, and you may not, but don't be foolish as to build your entire dreams around one person! Seize this moment, this opportunity to be with the one you love. Don't be afraid of your feelings, and don't be afraid of the consequences... You must! You must!"

"Your soup! Your soup!" cried some woman as she entered the scene, a steaming bowl right in front of her face.

At that, Nabeshin jumped and started running for the horizon. "No soup for me!"

"Dammit! Why won't you eat your soup?!" were the last fading words of the woman in pursuit of Nabeshin.

Excel grumbled and sweatdropped.

Bravely shoving his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, he huffed to gather his courage. Oh, how his eyes blazed with the feelings that he had long suppressed, had kept back and held in check for far too long. He had to let his friend, the one that he truly cared about, know. And maybe, deep down inside, he knew that he wouldn't be rejected because there is that link when you love someone, you know they love you too.

Naisu took one step forward to his beloved and grabbed their hand.

"Ukare-kun... I love you!"

Collective facefault.

They all got back up and collectively sweatdropped.

"Ha-chan, I think that the entire mission has been one futile exercise and we've been sent to do some useless scouting for our busywork."

"Is it any more different from all our other missions, sempai?"

Excel sweatdropped again.

"Ah... you got me right there, Ha-chan."

"Shall we report to Il Palazzo about all this?"

"Eh... E-chan wants to dawdle a little bit I think it's obvious by now that-"

Black screen and experimental music!

_Excel Saga Fanfic - "Harried Half-Assed Harem Parody!"_

"Hey! Hey! Who do you think you are?! Don't interrupt the main character! You didn't even show much of the main characters! Especially me, Excel Excel!"

_Today's Experiment Fanfic .......... Failed. Miserably. Horrid bastardization._

"This fanfic wasn't even done right! Too rushed! Uncreative! Hacked and mangled! But then again, you don't need me to tell you that, huh? Gah! Get your hand away from that rope! You're not Il Palazzo-sama! WAAAH! I'M FALLING! I'M FAAAAALLING!"

_[Ending Theme: Menchi's song...]_

Star: Good day, gentle reader! You've reached the end of the fanfic, and where you would expect to find some synopsis or preview for the next episode, there unfortunately will be no next episode. The entire reason I made up this fic was to make fun of Love Hina, Tenchi, and other fics where there's one guy and a whole lotta girls.

Excel: That multiple personality thing was very funny.

Star: Hai! It was!

Excel: Almost reminiscent of some hentai film called "Pixie" or some kind of fairy tale creature like that. Which you probably caught whiff of... *giggles*

Star: Hey! Hey! You keep your mouth shut you character on loan!

Excel: Ha ha! You can't silence me! You also wrote this fic because you wanted some excuse for putting out the opening scene!

Star: That was an eye-catch and gratuitous fanservice to make the readers laugh!

Excel: You're getting into your curious and experimental stages!

Star: I-I-I'll write you in a yuri lemon with Ropponmatsu #2 if you won't stay quiet!

Excel: You'd probably enjoy it. Nya-nya!

Star: That's it! This out-tro is over! Fade out, to black, cut, end!


End file.
